Fag

When I was in 3rd or 4th grade I was invited to a McDonald's birthday party.  Do you remember those?  For the younger crowd, back in the day McDonald's was thee place to have your big day.  They had a special party room and everyone got awesome party favors, happy meals...Anyways...

I remember that I won a Grimace infatable toy.  It was pretty great.

After the party was over some of us were being driven home in the back of a pickup with a topper.  It was just boys.  I remember vividly that I was sitting in the corner holding the awesome prize that I won.  Then one of the boys (whom I didn't know) looked at me and called me a fag.  I hadn't talked to him.  I wasn't in the middle of talking.  I was just sitting there waiting to be taken home.

I was absolutely devastated.  There I was maybe all of 9 or 10 years old and I was humiliated and felt pure shame.  I had done nothing to provoke this and I didn't know that kid and I never saw him again.

So why do his words still sting?

"That kid's a fag."

Those words have influenced a lot of my life.  For a very long time I was obsessed with appearing masculine.  I didn't want to do anything that would ever provoke someone to say that to me again.  It was the most humiliated I have ever been.

I am pretty sure that I have never shared that story with anyone until this past week.  I didn't even tell my parents.  I didn't tell anyone.  I felt so bad and hurt that I didn't want the embarassement of anyone else knowing what he had called me.  I didn't want to feel that shame and have to live that moment again.

You know, those words didn't help me at all.  They didn't make me tougher or more masculine.  Those were just terrible words that have left a scar on me.  More than 20 years later that scar is still there.

I don't know who said what to you that has hurt you so deeply and powerfully that it has changed who you are.  I don't know how fresh or old that scar is.  I don't know why they said it and I don't know why it still hurts you.

But let me say that I am so sorry that someone said it.  I wish it could be erased from your memory.  I wish it would just go away or you could just let it go.  It's too bad that some careless words that someone spoke to you in your past has formed so much of your personality and defensiveness.

I'm sorry.  Face the pain, brings those careless words out in the open, and give them to Jesus.  (If you believe that Jesus can still heal us).  Jesus said that we are supposed to come to Him if we are broken, hurting, tired, burdened, or scarred.  I believe that He will heal you from those words and He will give you a new word.

...and...

Let's choose to not do this to anyone else.  Let's choose to speak only words that bring people life, not death.

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