Waiting outside the dressing room on a Tuesday with a baby

There I was standing in front of the dressing room at TJ Max on a Tuesday night holding a baby stroller.  I was tired.  I was TIRED.

The day before was Halloween and our church did our Trunk or Treat.  I worked that day.  Then I had to get our trunk ready at the parking lot as I also helped others figure out where they should park.  I had two of my kids come early with me to “help.”  (I’m using that term loosely.)

We did our church event until about 8pm and then we hopped into 2 vehicles to take our 5 kids (7 months - 13 years) and three of their friends trick or treating in another part of town.  On the way out there we had to stop and buy baby Wes a pacifier.  He was tired and upset.  We tricked or treated with about 800,000 of our closest friends in the dark surrounded by packs of unaccompanied minors (in my group were 4 girls 11-14 so I was already on edge.)

We got home and sent everyone to bed.  We crawled into bed and the next thing I know my alarm went off at 4:45.  Nope.  Too tired.  Not working out this morning.  So I got up at 5:30.  It was nice to sleep in.  Then it’s the whirlwind of getting everyone ready to go to school.

“Did you pack…”
“Have you brushed…”
“Why are you on the computer?”

That day was a blur at work with meetings.

Next thing I know I am standing there in TJ Max with a 13 year old girl in the dressing room and a 7 month old baby waiting outside with me.

How did I get here?
Is this really where I thought I would be 20 years ago when I was 17?

Father to 2 girls and 3 boys?  Getting a phone call from a boy who wants to “date my daughter?”  Learning a lot about 6th grade science and social studies as I study 3-4 nights a week with my son?  Going through flashcards about “times” with another child?  Helping one of them get dressed every single day?  Walking around with a baby so that he will leave my poor tired wife alone for a few minutes?

Snapping at my kids?

Having such a bad attitude during trick or treating that my 6th grade boy asks me later why I was so mad that night?

Feeling nonstop guilt whenever I sit down instead of spending quality time with one of my kids, my wife, texting or calling my parents, texting a friend I haven’t talked to in a while, praying for someone I told I was going to pray for, thinking about our church’s impact in our community, etc, etc…

Is this really what I wanted from life?
Am I happy?
What would it be like if…?

Don’t get me wrong - I’m not complaining.  Believe me I understand complaining and I’m quite good at it.  This isn’t complaining.  This is contemplating.

What is my life standing here at 7:30pm on Tuesday night in a discount clothing store with a baby while my young-woman daughter is trying on clothes?

I’ll tell you what it is.  It’s doing the right thing over and over and over again in order to see the right outcomes.

I want my daughter to recognize healthy loving relationships so that she will not settle for anything less than a healthy loving relationship in her future marriage.  So I express my care for her by taking the responsibility to show her that she is important enough for me to get her what she needs.

 I want my wife to enjoy her life on a daily basis, so I bring the baby with me so that she can “relax” by just taking care of the other 3 kids, supervising clean up, homework, etc…

I want my sons to know what it means to be a good man.  A good man takes responsibility and helps with everything that he has.  He puts himself last because he takes his strength from Jesus.  He is humble enough to admit when he's wrong or doesn't understand something.  He is strong enough to say he's sorry.  He's tough enough to get off the stupid couch and get involved.  When he has 5 kids, a wife, a church, and friends - he doesn't have many hobbies.

 I want my friends to know that they matter and that they are supported.

 I want to make this world better and the best way that I can do that is to do the right thing over and over and over again.

So standing here in TJ Max with a baby waiting for my daughter as she tries on clothes?  That’s all apart of my master plan.  Yeah, master plan.  That’s it.

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